"Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it."
-- Hunter S. Thompson

twotonesoffun:

practicallyperfectinzeroways:

I’m trying to be all sexy but all I have in my head after you said that is that Pretty Fly for a white guy song. Fail.

Totally scratching. And biting. I miss biting and leaving my teeth marks on your shoulder.

… well. I’m not completely white but it works well enough.

Please. I want the make up lady to throw a fit.

She’s not gonna know what to do with you when I’m done. Claw marks and teeth prints and if I grab hard enough, a bruise or two. I really need to not get so excited.

August 30thvia and with 22 notes

twotonesoffun:

practicallyperfectinzeroways:

Remember you said that when you’re coming up with excuses for your back. I’ll scratch until I feel skin break.

I’m great at excuses. ;) Give it to me, baby. What happens in Vegas and all…

I’m trying to be all sexy but all I have in my head after you said that is that Pretty Fly for a white guy song. Fail.

Totally scratching. And biting. I miss biting and leaving my teeth marks on your shoulder.

August 30thvia and with 22 notes

twotonesoffun:

practicallyperfectinzeroways:

I’ve been trying to be a little more careful since you wrestle without a shirt on now. But I do miss the way your back feels beneath my nails.

Fuck being careful. Scratch me up, baby.

Remember you said that when you’re coming up with excuses for your back. I’ll scratch until I feel skin break.

August 30thvia and with 22 notes

twotonesoffun:

practicallyperfectinzeroways:

Oh really? Well that just made me throw away my nail file. I want that face.

You know, I’ve been scratchless for quite a while. And it’s one of my favorite things for you to do.

I’ve been trying to be a little more careful since you wrestle without a shirt on now. But I do miss the way your back feels beneath my nails.

August 30thvia and with 22 notes

//ugh my body is tired but my brain is going a mile a minute. I will not get up and clean my house top to bottom and wash my hair at 6am. I’m not fucking doing it.

August 30th — and with 1 note

twotonesoffun:

practicallyperfectinzeroways:

I can’t help it. If I see you with that look on your face that says it hurts bit you like it, I wanna be the one making that look come out.

I’m hormonal. Don’t judge me.

Quit filin’ your nails for a few days and you’ll see that face. ;) 

Oh really? Well that just made me throw away my nail file. I want that face.

August 30thvia and with 22 notes

twotonesoffun:

practicallyperfectinzeroways:

twotonesoffun:

He might. He’s very rough with me.

You like it though. I might get jealous of this guy :P

Don’t be jealous. I’m pretty sure he’s straight. And would snap me in half.

I can’t help it. If I see you with that look on your face that says it hurts bit you like it, I wanna be the one making that look come out.

I’m hormonal. Don’t judge me.

August 30thvia and with 22 notes

twotonesoffun:

practicallyperfectinzeroways:

twotonesoffun:

 

Well, I’m sure he could teach you. Come down to the gym with my tomorrow. You can watch the magic happen.

I could do that.  I’ll watch him twist and pull you until you think you’re gonna cry.

He might. He’s very rough with me.

You like it though. I might get jealous of this guy :P

August 30thvia and with 22 notes

//I slept for 11 hours or some shit and it’s not even 4am yet.  Why am I sleepy D:

August 30th — and with 0 notes
Funny Sentence Starters (Supernatural edition!) “It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”
“Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his/her cake hole.”
“Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help yoga crap.”
"Your half-caf, double vanilla latte is getting cold over here, Francis."
“Boy/Girl, you put your foot on my coffee table, I’m gonna whack you with a spoon.”
“Who do you think is a hotter psychic: Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt or you?”
"I had a crappy guidance counselor."
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“I hope your apple pie is freakin’ worth it.”
"Hold me, ____. That was beautiful."
“I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.”
“That fabric softener teddy bear? Oh, I’m gonna hunt that little bitch down.”
“You better take care of that car or I swear I'll haunt your ass!”
"I miss conversations that didn’t start with 'this killer truck.'"
"Next time you wanna get laid, find a girl/guy that’s not so buckets-of-crazy, huh?"
"People believe in Santa Claus. How come I’m not getting hooked up every Christmas?"
“What kind of a house doesn't have salt? Low sodium freaks!”
"I think I'll pass on the seventy two virgins, thanks. I'm not that into prude chicks/dudes anyway."
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“MySpace, what the hell is that? Seriously, is that like, some sort of porn site?”
“This is the dumbest thing you've ever done."
"Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?"
"Well, you are kind of butch. They probably think you're overcompensating."
“What do you wanna do, poke her/him with a stick? Dude! You're not gonna poke her with a stick!”
“We’re not working for the Mandroid!”
"Yeah, you know what? There's a ton of lore on unicorns too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows out of their ass!"
"Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?"
"I think I learned a valuable lesson: Always take down your Christmas decorations after New Year's, or you might get filleted by a hooker from God".
"Dude, you full-on had a girl/guy inside you for like a whole week. That’s pretty naughty"
“________, this is a very serious investigation. We don't have any time for any of your blah blah blah blah.”
"They made me slow dance."
"What about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean werewolves are badass!"
“You know, maybe the spirits are trying to shut down the movie because they think it sucks. Because, I mean, it kinda does.”
"Hey, see if they've got any pie. Bring me some pie. I love me some pie."
“I lost my shoe.”
“I’m Batman!”
“Snow White? I saw that movie. The porn version anyway. There was this wicked Stepmother. Woo, she was wicked.”
“I'm gonna go stop the Big Bad Wolf. Which is the weirdest thing I've ever said.”
“You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex."
“Don’t objectify me."
"You fudgin' touch me again, I'll fudgin' kill ya!"
“These tacos taste funny to you?”
"I'd like to think it's because of my perky nipples."
"What visage are you in now? Holy tax accountant?"
“Ah, you have brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared.”
“Oh, I'm not carrying that. It could go off. I'll man the flashlight.”
“That was scary!”
"Zombie-ghost orgy, huh? Well, that's it. I'm torching everybody."
"On Thursdays, we're teddy bear doctors."
"This body is 100 percent socially conscious.I recycle. Al Gore would be proud."
"Dude, you're confusing reality with porn again."
"Today you will have the honor of playing one of the greatest games ever invented. A game of skill, agility, cunning. A game with one simple rule. Dodge."
“The whistle makes me their god.”
“______'s the funniest angel in the garrison. Ask anyone”
“Details are everything. You don’t want to go fighting ghosts without any health insurance.”
"For fans, they sure do complain a lot."
“Oh yeah, life as an angel condom. That's real fun. I think I'll pass, thanks.”
“No, he's/she's not on any flatbread.”
"Last time you zapped me someplace, I didn't poop for a week."
“You mean to tell me you've never been up there doing a little cloud-seeding?”
“There are two things I know for certain. One: Bert and Ernie are gay. Two: you are not gonna die a virgin, not on my watch.”
"You were wasted by a teenage mutant ninja angel?”
"Today, you're my little bitch."
"This isn’t funny, _____. The voice says I'm almost out of minutes!"
"Check it out. Four score and seven years ago ... I had a funny hat."
"Brains trumps legs, apparently."
“I believe that (he-)witch gave you the clap.”
“I have genital herpes.”
“Son of a bitch!”
“Calm down? I am wearing sunglasses at night! You know who does that? No-talent douchebags!"
“Boop!”
“I would love to have the sex with you.”
“One leather jacket, one sasquatch."
“I don’t understand that reference.”
“Dude, you punched a cupid."
"I found a liquor store. And I drank it."
"Hey ass-butt!"
"No one dicks with ____ except me"
August 30thvia and source with 1,032 notes






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